A Story With More Diversions Than A Political Campaign

So I walk into the tiny convenience store the other morning, probably to get more of those cigars my doctor has said I really should avoid since I am toying with a return to my dangerous habit of starting to smoke cigarettes again, which I won't, they smell so nasty now and it has been an impossible habit to break, and anyway, I just spent the last few weeks wandering the hallways of a hospital in Knoxville in the section where people dying from smoking habits fill each room and echoes of pain seared my ears, so even if I do have a few cigars, I have so much fear of smoking-related illnesses I've begun to equate having that cigar to chewing on radioactive cyanide bubble-gum and wonder why I do it at all.

Jeez. Where the heck was I?

Oh yeah, I walked into this little market. And really anymore, if the store I walk into isn't a hundred-bajillion-square-feet of Monster Store, then it is a teeny market that carries odd items like cans of Vienna Sausages, beef jerky, Power drinks, B.C. Powder and usually something like a Confederate Flag shaped into a Yin-Yang symbol on the outside of an imitation Zippo lighter. And lottery tickets.

And why is that hundreds of billions of dollars has been awarded to states and attorneys on behalf of lawsuits related to bad business practices of cigarette companies and I have never received one thin dime for the 30 years I spent smoking, which results in me having Immense Fear of the sleeping rattlesnake of smoke coiled in the bottom of my lungs? I mean, do I have to find some actual group of people who have signed onto some class-action lawsuit and then join them officially by spending what little money I have filing some sort of legal papers? What if the suit is lost? Do I have to pay even more?

Aw, jeez. I'm waaay off from where this one started. I blame that habit of telling long jokes usually populated with talking animals, imaginary creatures or religious leaders simply to end in a really bad pun, like "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids" or some such nonsense.

And really, at this point, can I even get to where I was going from here? Lemme go get a cup of coffee to clear my head and try this again.

Ahhhhh, coffee, my favorite bean product.

Let's try this approach - after reading the above it may (or may not) seem obvious I have various fears of inanimate and animate objects which clutter up the world and sometimes going out to do something simple requires I somehow gather a hefty amount of courage to attempt interaction.

I used to just think I had a verrrry low tolerance to Stupid and actually being out there in the world among Others, that threshold was quickly crossed and I got headaches and felt anger and bile rising up my gullet. I sincerely fought to combat that by trying to imagine, all Zen-like, that everyone and everything I saw and heard was just another facet of myself, which can make you think you're either really messed up or humble you into realizing you ain't all that. And on those rare occasions when I can see something of myself in everyone, I start to get dizzy.

OK, wait - I'm drifting again. Must be these sinus problems and my general slacking, procrastinating ways.

Suffice to say, I think everybody has to suck it up and get out in the world since it is populated by both people and things which often seem so alien it's no wonder wingnuts and wackos seem to fill up the world. I mean, I see some order in stuff like the trees and the grass and the sunshine (or clouds), but I fathom zero usefulness or order to some now-agendized and activated political program which requires me to staple myself into my taxed and insured mode of transportation, which I am only allowed to use on certain stretches of tax-funded pavement, and if I'm lucky enough to work I can only sit at the desk a certain way and not have photos or personal items in my work area for fear it may somehow de-value the stock of the company I work for or offend some tenderfooted numbskull who fears the affects a word or a picture might have on the Structure of Civilization itself.

Ah. damn! Sorry, sorry everyone. There really was a rather funny little event I was going to relate and these somewhat deranged diatribes have pretty much sucked all the Funny out of this post.

Sigh.

Sure, I could delete all the above and write it again. But just this week I was wondering how many fine and excellent pieces of writing appear on the internets in all the pages and blogs, fine sentences and metaphors which in the past some would-be writer might struggle for a week or a day to achieve and even if created, what chance did that person have of seeing other people read it? Of course, sometimes finding a good sentence or thought in all the digitally textualized moments on the Web is rather akin to sifting a pan through muddy waters for a year to find a few nuggets of valuable mineral.

And now that this story I wanted to tell has trailed away with so many distractions and diversions it could qualify as a campaign for public office, then let me summarize as the Would-Be Campaigner:

"I can assure you, my friends, the story you could have heard today would have warmed the hearts of America's family and embiggened us all with our common humanity. And again, let me assure you of my good intentions - I am sure the honesty of my words will be perceived as such by all honest men and women.

For now, I shall take my leave but upon my return, I vow to provide the story we have all come here today to hear, and have every right to hear as Liberty-loving Americans, will be presented in it's entirety.

Thank you and God Bless America."